:: My Point Of View ::

September 20, 2011

Everything Matters

Filed under: Matter Of The Heart — lv @ 2:27 pm
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it’s a cold day. raindrops splattered on the window panes. and i am immediately transported to the times when nothing matters…. yet. when ignorance was indeed bliss. today it hit me again that everything matters, greatly.

i wish i have never picked up that first call that faithful night….

T___T

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September 13, 2011

Big Love + Little Nuggets

Filed under: Hot & Zesty People,Matter Of The Heart — lv @ 3:04 pm
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it’s amazing how a 7y.o could understand the meaning of LOVE and touch your heart by just a simple stick-figure drawing . a big uneven heart-shape circling little stick-figure family with two little heart-shapes on each parent’s hand. HEART-SHAPES ON EACH HAND!!! and a caption that will crush your heart to pieces. *wipes tears*

my heart still ache from all the unfortunate things that happened. horrible thing that no children in the world should ever experience in their young little lives. gosh!! how i hate messed-up grown-ups sometimes!!! now whenever i see their happy faces in the photos that i used to take for them send a big lump to my throat. ALAS. all i can do is pray for the better. God guides them and us to weather the storm.

to my beautiful Little Nuggets, whatever happen next, whoever you’ll be with next, whichever path you’ll take next, whenever you think of us, please know that ong che che always, ALWAYS, have this Big Love for you. bigger than the uneven heart-shape in the drawing.

xoxo

*sobs*

August 22, 2011

Monday Musings

i have tonnes of things to write up but today this is the best sentence to describe me. “the heart is full of desire but the willpower is weak” dang!! i know, excuses much right?!

this morning i woke up with tears in my eyes. i had a sad dream. a very very sad dream. i dreamed of someone in the family died. of cancer. and i still can recall the heartache that i felt in the dream. oh my….. how REAL it was. i mean the sharp pain my chest. it’s not about the person being dead but of how i will never see the person anymore, of how i have so much love to share with the person but couldnt anymore T_____T AND of how the people around treated me after that. oh yeah! i remember in the dream, of all the things that hurt me so much was when people complained about the taste of my chicken soup. totally incoherent with the death but that chicken soup was a legacy the person who has died left behind FOR ME. so mocking it is like mocking the person i love. yes. all this happened only the dreams. including this one, i have dreamed 2 persons in the family died. i cried in my dream too T_____T that was very long time ago though. haihhhh….. but people said if you dream about a person died, the person will have long life. i pray for their long lives. and this is my 3rd time woke up with tears due to sad dream. the second time was about a brown poodle (like i ever have one *roll eyes*). no it didnt die. but we had to leave it behind when we have to move home. it has to be left behind cos we really really couldnt bring it along (dunno move to where oso) so it sat by our gate with its sad puppy eyes and started chasing after our car when we moved T_______T just thinking about the dream make me teary….. cos it was truly truly a heartbreaking moment that i actually woken up hearing my own sob. what do u know?! *wipe tears* so those are the three times i ever cried in my dream and woken up with tears or sobbed. now my question is, have you ever have dream sooooo sad that u really cried? share your story la….

ANYWAAAAAAY…..sad dream aside, as i have mentioned in my previous post, i am currently working on my Vietnam trip photos and here is a sneak peek! 🙂

from sapa, hanoi with love!

be blessed, peeps!

March 8, 2011

Winter In My Heart

Filed under: Matter Of The Heart — lv @ 7:38 pm
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it’s cold. i fear i might lost all my sense of feeling towards everything and anything. no there’s no snow. just cold. quiet. and somewhat a tint of sorrow. disappointment after disappointment. i am tired. i covet solitude. but where can i run?!

then i remember your heart. it’s warm. it is also here. close to mine. keeping me fuzzy inside out. i didnt mean to steal and keep it. i had it then. i have it now. i want to have it forever. please hold my hands. very tight.

winter. the season will pass.

love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, ENDURES ALL THINGS. ~ 1 Cor 13:17

be blessed, peeps!

January 25, 2011

Blood Is Thicker Than Water

Filed under: Matter Of The Heart — lv @ 5:23 pm
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unexpected shocking revelation caught me off guard today from a brave sms. i felt my face burning with shame, fury and disbelief reading every single words. goosebumps at the back of neck remained for a little bit longer while my hands shook with rage and iced cold. i proceeded replying. i never apologise though. because it has never been my fault. i dont know what to think now. and in time like this the only thing that’s on my mind is to run. i wanna run 10 rounds today. no. make it 50. or maybe 100. until i could shake it all off my head and the knowledge of it which i (we) know is impossible as long as i (we) live. anger rushed through me. disappointment creeped in me. like fo’real? when will this feud ever end?! i just dont understand. and it broke my heart to see, to hear and worst yet to be in the middle of the whole thing that i wonder what else could it be next. i’m tired. i’m ashamed. of all of us. of all the lack of good example these people set for us. and when i am disappointed i want to just go. far away. ironically i was homesick these few days and that feeling evaporated together with those fume i released. perhaps, i eject because i expect too much and hope for perfection which we all know doesnt exist. sometimes it occurs to me that the better solution is to stay and fight, but i’m always too scared to voice my opinion on my own. chicken! i hide and cower in fear because people can talk so much and scratch u so hard, whether consciously or not. word – be very careful and afraid of it. because once a wrong ones uttered and misunderstood and cut a heart, the scar stays forever. and false tales will be repeated on and on until the day u die. the truth is, i just want my loved ones around. i want to be back in that comfortable space in this world where it is just me, and them, and our love. there, we are in a time and place where there is no need to fear each other. where it is safe to steal a chicken wing out of ones plate when they arent looking.

i just want a happy escape with those who are closest to my heart. not just real family but along the bloodlines. is that too much to ask?!

why make such a big fuss about it all of you?!!

*sob*

“If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.” ~ I John 4:20

be blessed, peeps!!

January 15, 2011

A Shy Hello

Filed under: Matter Of The Heart,Snippets Of The Piquant Life — lv @ 12:32 am

as i try counting sheep to lull myself to sleep at this earliest minute of the day i want to remember that i’ve watched school of rock which totally rocked my world.

and that my heart flustered, sores with delight because we have met…..

so, hello again! love the haircut.

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December 6, 2010

in dip sheet!

Filed under: Matter Of The Heart — lv @ 4:57 pm
Tags: , ,

i have 35 minutes before time off. i intended to blog about melbourne but oh well people tend to swing to another direction sometimes and i am doing just that exactly. now. so what am i suppose to blog about? honestly i don’t know. all i know i am in such a dip sheet!!!! dip sheet!!!! my cognitive is slower than my heartbeats. thus it’s so easy to make a wrong decision. which is bad and dangerous. that’s why again, i am in such a dip sheet!!! last night over a heated conversation i realised. wait. we both realised. we tend to get moody over a certain occasion. it’s a happy occasion but i just dont know why it contributes to the emoness, again I am in dip sheet!!! because the true essence wasnt out to the surface yet. and in such good crowded occasion filled with cheerful laughters and wishes and love i felt very lonely…… as i tried to catch just a glimpse of that familiar heartbeats and image i felt so out of reach. i am falling into such a dip sheet tat I wonder my integrity. i’m not impressed with the artworks. they made me turn green and left out. oh gosh!! i am indeed in such a dip sheet!!! and who allow this to happen? me! *sigh* i am sorry again u have to read another cryptic emo post from me. i can’t help it. dip sheet is all over my head. and i know if i dont vent it out i’ll go crazy or turn into a sheet myself which u wont recognise. here i am today missing running…… and in time like this i felt the heart of Henry deTamble. Have you heard about him? You should.

be blessed, peeps!

Happy Monday!!

November 30, 2010

I Come To Know…..

Filed under: Matter Of The Heart,So Peppery Random — lv @ 4:31 pm
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i come to know that the feeling of realising things dont always go as we planned or wanted it to be is getting too familiar that it numbs the core of my heart of heart. sometimes failures lured us to be stronger and persistent while at the first bit of frustration we feel like the whole world is against us. people tend to talk about success all the time. success is sweet. victorious. i know. i’ve felt it. i’ve tasted it. and i stumbled. many times. have you? before you succeed have you ever failed? i dont know about you but i sometimes prefer to fail. or to lose. dang! this i discovered years ago in such tender ager of 8. where i purposely spelled wrongly in my spelling test just so that i wont get 100% all the time. gosh! am the only weirdo around?! see at least i have a story to tell. i’d like to quote JK Rowling’s powerful statement about failing ‘it is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case you fail by default‘ and i am not a cautious person.

i come to know that ‘i’m not ready’ is not the best answer to God. i realised some revelations and dreams about me is starting to show bit by bit (i think. i prefer to ignore the word perasan). and it makes me nervous. and scared. like fo’real?! *suddenly i feel a lump in my throath now sorry* God, what do you want from me?! T_____T and i am soooooo tempted to say the above statement….. but again “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9 aiya….. how want to lawan that?!

i come to know there are things that we want that we just cannot have or we just have to refrain from having / getting. i’ve learned this when growing up. when The Dad just could’nt afford to buy me an original Barbie Doll and when i cried so hard for a piano but just could’nt have one. and am grateful that i now know i could have all but i choose to be just being content for whatever i have. because i’ve learned the hard way. so as this new camaraderie i’ve found. it’s comforting and i am content for just being a part of it. as i try hard to soak up each fleeting moment in it i know at the end of the road i’ll see them turn into pebbles that leads to unspoken happiness. which in times to come makes me smile.

i come to know loyalty and patience come a long way…… and very romantic.

i come to know i actually like awkward moments….

be blessed, peeps!!

Happy Tuesday!!

November 8, 2010

Monday Musings

Filed under: Matter Of The Heart,Monday Musings — lv @ 3:47 pm
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i’m finally back to labuan. after two eventful weeks in miri. both work and personal alike.

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i’m exhausted!

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and i know i’m depressed when i lose weight T______________T

it’s something i’ve come to realised and yet comprehend. mood swing and hyper-sensitive to the slightest changes in my environment and words spoken. all i want is to stand at the edge of a cliff and scream bloody murder and pour out everything that’s been bottled up inside which i am still not capable to identify. or maybe i knew all along but still in strong denial in fear more tears being shed! regrets haunt me on imperfect works i’ve done, disappointments creep in on things that are not up to my expectation and sadness fell on me thinking that i could do better. uncertainties and reservations once again flooding in. this ugly ugly feeling, i really despise you!!

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i miss my two fav ladies so much today. The Cousin and The Bestie. i couldnt be more happier that they’ve finally found their men and happily married *wipes tears* but then again i miss them heaps you wont understand……

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i miss running too. and i believe the botanical garden misses me too. i can feel now that my purpose of running has drifted to something else. from the beginning i was running towards my goal. to maintain and fit in those size 24 jeans and that skinny black tube dress. and now that i’ve got it!! i’ve lose those unwanted kgs and i’m happy. but now i feel like i am running from something. something only God knows and i couldnt disclose. something that has been tagging me for so long that i am again in such a mess to keep on denying its existence. Oh Lord, please help me with this!! T______T

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distraction! i need distraction!! to keep me sane. to restore my senses.

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i know this is an emo post on a Monday. but it’s a normal phase, no?

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In the multitude of my anxieties within me,Your comforts delight my soul.
Psalm 94:19

Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

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and this too shall pass……

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in time like this, i want to remember and treasure happy moments. retail therapy!!

fitting room actions!! and look at my pretty bling-ed cameraphone! nice or not?! :p

Happy Monday, peeps!!

September 25, 2010

I Shouldn’t Be Bothered But

Filed under: Matter Of The Heart,Snippets Of The Piquant Life — lv @ 3:00 pm
Tags:

last night i called TheBoyfriend asking seriously. yes. i even warned him how serious the question will be and he must answer seriously. right. i asked him about the tables. number of tables he would need for the reception. oh by God’s will!! and for the umpteenth time. this is his answer. ‘size and number arent important. who will and who will not be invited isnt important. what important is the marriage. the cert and the bands. it should last. FOREVER. and forever is made real with the blessing of people we care most and our one and only God.’ in full seriousness i rolled my eyes when he said that. and i think i was imagining sakura in japan when he was saying that too. because really, he said that for umpteenth time. and fyi, seriously the time isnt even close. for me. for us. not even in the next 365 days!! i shouldnt be bothered at all but….. argghhh!! this is what being a wedding coordinator do to you. or being a bestie to your gf.

in a month time, my cousin will walk down the aisle and from then on will change her FB status to ‘married’. then four days after that, my gf will also take the same walk and become someone’s ‘Mrs’. i cannot help but share if not all, some of their bridezilla moment prior the big day. girls! in the midst of their preparation and my role for their big day, sometimes i thought of what would happen to my own *shudders*

and i thought of the two last night. i worried about their diet (of all things) i worry whether they can fit the dress that they really really really wanted. i felt compelled to motivate them that i had to sms them both to keep on pushing hard in their exercise and to cut down fatty food. i know. i am annoying T___T but it’s because i want them to look their best in those pretty dresses.

and u know what annoy me?! the ‘Yellow Dot’ or sometime ‘Yellow Square’ or sound more powerful in BM ‘Kotak Kuning’ appears on your tv screen when you want to watch your favorite show. TSK!! really laa… Astro sucks donkey balls when it rains!! T____T

and u know what make me headache?! the contemplation of choosing between the two raved fruits. Berry or Apple??! i shall blog this in a separate post. as if!!

and i am looking for a travel partner for next year travel plan. march. anyone?!

and u know what else annoy me?! i use the word ‘and’ way too much at the beginning of a sentence.

and (ok u can call the Grammar Police now) u know what really bother me?!!

the number of tables i need!!! :p

Happy Saturday!!

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